Do you ever have those days when it feels like your heart has been stomped on, for absolutely no reason? There is no justification for me feeling quite this emotionally vulnerable, unless one counts me feeling sorry for myself about spending Thanksgiving alone, pouring my heart out in last night's blog, and then spending the bulk of my afternoon watching sappy Christmas movies on the sappy movie channel. I did mean everything I said yesterday. If you didn't read it, please do. If you did and thought I was being flip, look again. I truly believe love is not quantified though the exchange of stuff. The problem with what I said is the realization that I have not been living up to my own standards of being present in the moments I spend with others. I let myself be distracted and overwhelmed, and I haven't devoted enough of my own focus to the times I'm with people who I care about. In person, I don't comport myself very well. I get nervous and say incredibly dumb things, or I space out and completely lose track of what I was saying and what was said to me. It's only through the written word that I feel eloquent. But tonight, not even this refuge is soothing me. It's just making me feel even more stymied. I think I need to pack it in for the night and hope for being happy and glib tomorrow.
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