There are always chances to reflect on your life and wonder why you did something that you've done. I have spent untold hours doing that to myself over the last six months. I even did a little of it today. But by the end of the day (and I don't mean that metaphorically) I realized that I had to focus on something I did not do, and in doing so, I found understanding and a secret mission in life. No, I'm not going to tell you what that secret mission is. I promise, it isn't something too terribly stupid and self-defeating. It's something incredibly important and it's for a few people who need me in this role. It's probably going to suck, and it might hurt several times along the way. It will definitely be hard. I think in the end it will be worth the sacrifice.
I had a chance to spend the morning with an old friend from college, who has known Mr X since high school, and who understands completely what we're going through. He's going through a similar transition, and he offered me the chance to compare our respective anni horribiles. I found it very easy to open up to him about what is going on, and I hope that I offered a good enough ear as he did the same. I still mourn for the changes we're both (all four) going through, but I was incredibly comforted by several things that he said and by the support than he offered. (FTR, his ex has also offered unbelievable support, and I love her to the end of the earth for it too.) I found strength in some of the things he said and shared as well. I'm not going through this alone, and I'm finally starting to understand that the transition is just that, not an end but rather a change.
My old friend suggested that I teach myself about a twentieth century philosopher named Alan Watts, and showed me that there are recordings of him reading his own works on YouTube. The first selection he suggested was called The Dream of Life. It was so beautiful, and so succinct in its message that we are all exactly where we should be, living the life that we are meant to, whether we understand or like it. It just is. The message of acceptance was moving. It was explained in such a smooth, soothing voice, sounding much like the science author and narrator James Burke. It was easy to be lulled in and absorb life-altering philosophy before you realize it has penetrated your brain. I find myself relaxing even now, as he is waxing philosophical about the naturalness of death, on the next selection YouTube served up. For the first time in weeks, I can feel the tense muscles in my belly uncoiling and letting me breathe and not worry. I may come back to this often, when I need reassurance. I will need much reassurance as I go through these changes, and follow my secret mission.
I shall conclude with the things that are bringing me peace tonight: long vistas in my county, and those beings who comfort me daily, who apparently have their own "international day" today.
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