You know that feeling of unnameable dread that sneaks up on you and ruins what should be a great day? I have it and have not been able to shake it all day. I don't know what miserable little speck of anxiety has gotten ahold of me, but it won't let go. I keep projecting it onto every available target, and getting myself even more worked up. Oh, this money issue is going to get me. That person must have had a tragedy befall them. Something else will never work. Everything is too much for me. Forever is too long. I don't know what I can do to erase this outsized sense of dread, but I need to figure it out soon. I'm avoiding alcohol, so I can't just kick back with a drink and expect it to help. Any other sort of sugar binge is right out as well. A nap isn't possible when I'm tied in knots like this. And it's still 90 degrees outside, so the hot tub does not appeal. Not sure that there is anything left to address it. If I sit quietly, it gets worse. I've watched hours of gymnastics to distract myself, and that has not been relaxing as I'd hoped. I just have to ride it out.
I've been watching the weeds take over a few spots in the back yard for weeks. I recharged the battery for the string trimmer ages ago, but never put it back in to take care of business. Today, even though it was hot and sunny, I went out and hacked out a few overgrown spots. Near the apple tree and Zoe's grave, it was particularly overgrown, and I pulled out giant crabgrass and chopped out unwelcome plants. The concrete path was nearly hidden with creeping weeds. So I spun the trimmer sideways and carved an edge along each side. I am so not a pro with this gardening tool. I'm sure any random person looking at my work could see that. And what's worse, now I can't even get the string trimmer turned back into standard position. Throw in my backpack full of anxiety that I can't seem to take off, and I had to walk away from a mess and promise myself I'd deal with it later. I really don't like xeriscaping, but I'm starting to wish there were a few more hard surfaces and a lot less green outside right now. Or at least I wish that Mr X hadn't rototilled through all that plantain before he left, effectively seeding the entire south side of the yard with it.
I'm really regretting taking on so many tasks this summer. I should have politely declined everything anyone asked me to do, knowing what I was facing. I shouldn't have joined committees. I shouldn't have volunteered for the fundraiser. I ought to have set an alarm on my calendar to wake me up once it was autumn, and started fresh then. I am having a hard time not retreating into one of my classic blanket forts for an extended period. If I had an air conditioning vent in the floor, I'd probably be draping those blankets right now, preparing for a long hibernation. (Or wait, isn't there a specific word for doing that during the summer? Am I imagining that?) Is it too late to hide out now, somewhere that the creeping dread can't find me?
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