I begin to see how compulsive gamblers get into big trouble. One mistake leads to another and another, and eventually you have to learn that you can't count on winning your way out of a hole. I feel like I've made so many wrong turns lately that I'm not even sure where my starting point was, much less how to find my way back to it. I keep compounding my poor decision making by trying new things I only pretend will help. It's time to start undoing some of the things I've tried and failed at. Several of them were expensive mistakes. A few I have to stick out for a little longer, in the hopes that I can get some of my investment back. I'm trapped by a couple of them, until I can at least break even.
I feel mildly better than yesterday, but it still took until late afternoon to be willing to eat. I regret my decision to eat a full dinner after eating next to nothing for days. I feel gross now. I'm really glad that I keep stalling about making big grocery store runs. I don't need the extra pressure of having a refrigerator full of food spoiling before I can stand to eat it. It's bad enough that the garden has exploded and I don't have an appetite for that many tomatoes. For all the sprawl of the giant leaves, I can only find three acorn squashes and one beautifully formed pumpkin. At least those have a long shelf life. I have time to get to them. The cherry tomatoes are getting passed by.
What risky behavior lies in store for me next? I don't mean to make all of these wrong turns. But things have been topsy-turvy for so long, I don't seem to be able to do anything else. I just wish I wasn't throwing away so much money in the process. There isn't enough coming in to justify gambling it on stupid ventures. And I don't see a winning streak pulling me out of this mess.
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