I get really tired of people who use that old line "can't isn't in my vocabulary." How nice for them not to have any human flaws. It must be great to be entirely healthy and strong all of the time, with unlimited physical, mental, and financial resources. For those of us who live on the human plane, can't comes into play every so often. For the smaller subset of us with chronic illness, it's way more often than we'd like. I've had a roller coaster of a week, and today was definitely on a fast downward slide. Thursday I was outside too much, and Friday I paid for it with what I've always called sun poisoning. Saturday I recovered a little, enough to go play with the roommate, and today I barely got out of bed. It took all day, until around six in the evening, to convince myself to eat more than a couple bites of fruit, when I thawed out a grain-free dinner roll. I have struggled ever since to keep it down.
I don't know what exactly is making me feel run down so often. Is it just the lupus? Is it my activity? Stress? Or maybe another long period of revived Epstein-Barr virus? Maybe it's all of those things combined. I feel like stress has its thumb on the scale, though. I've spent most of the day looking at the preview of the rest of my life, and I just can't like it. Something went off the rails a few years back, and I have never righted the course of my life. Every time I have thought about the future or the recent past all day, my stomach did more twists than these Olympic gymnasts I keep watching. I don't know what to do about it. I don't know whether I can do anything to put it where I want to be. I tried something a few days ago that is just feeling like a stupid mistake. I'm running out of ideas.
I have nothing left to write about for today. As one of my oldest friends pointed out, at least I'm remembering my obligation to produce cat pictures. I managed to roll over in bed this afternoon and take one. Just one. I can't find the energy to take more.
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