Another day, another park. I had to run an errand before we went walking this evening, so we tried a random park on the way home. It had some nice trails, a disc golf course, and almost nothing for the game my roommate plays. We walked in circles for about half an hour before I knew I'd had enough. I was so happy to have the increase in energy yesterday to double all of my goals, yet this morning when I woke I could barely move because I was so sore. Today it was all I could do to total a little over 50 minutes all day. It's frustrating, this constant back and forth between health and disability. No matter how many times I have proof to the contrary, I want to think of myself as a whole, healthy, and capable person. I can't yet wrap my head around how far that is from my current truth.
I thought I had been sleeping better lately. I started having noise in the bedroom at night, and I found it helped me stay asleep for longer stretches at a time. At first I had lectures by that philosopher playing, but it was problematic because the screen wouldn't go dark while YouTube was playing, so there was light in my room all night. So I switched to the "yacht rock" station on internet radio, that will keep playing with the screen off. It has been mellow, but the playlist is so small, I get tired of hearing the same Steely Dan, 10cc, Rupert Homes, and Eagles songs over and over. Even when I'm asleep, I think I am aware that songs are repeating in a short time span. The problem I am finding, is that while I'm staying waking fewer times during the night, I don't seem to be slipping into the deepest levels of sleep. I don't always dream. I'm not sure I'm really getting the healing aspects of sleep. Several times today, I felt myself nodding off, even in the middle of conversations. Is the trade off worth it? I hated waking up every ten minutes to adjust my temperature, either pulling blankets over myself or throwing them off and pointing the fan at whichever part of me was roasting the most. Maybe it's worth continuing the experiment for a while.
I wish I had more to write. I feel like there is a lot brewing under the surface, but I'm stuck just letting it simmer. I don't know what will happen when it bubbles to the top. Will it be profound? Will a cesspool of bitterness spill out? Will I have an inspirational epiphany? I have to wait it out and wonder. I hope it's interesting, whatever it is.
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