I had plans for today. There were important things I was expected to do. My brokerage had a big (our biggest to date) volunteer project. I was supposed to spend the morning there, and then race home to go up and visit an old friend who was in town, at his parents’ house. I did neither of these. I feel awful about it, but to be clear, I did neither because I felt awful. The volunteer project was supposed to start at 9. I woke for the final time at 9:15. I became verbal no less than fifteen minutes after that. I spent the morning feeling like I was bouncing my brain into a slow-rolling concussion. It’s honestly exhausting, waiting to find out why I have this muscle spasm/tic in my neck that’s making me shake my head all day now. I swear, if it turns out to be something stupidly minor, that could have been fixed easily, and I had to wait four weeks to learn that, I will lose my cool. It has ruined my days and nights. It has caused me to cancel plans almost daily. I’m sticking close to home, with just s few people around me. I’m avoiding everyone around whom I would feel awkward twitching uncontrollably. I’m certainly limiting my driving, either as a passenger or behind the wheel myself.
I feel like I wasn’t aware just how many things I do for people until I found myself saying no so often. Last night my foster daughter asked me to go shopping with her for party decorations, and I declined. That got me thinking about how many activities I’ve pulled back from lately. It started early in the year when I actively demanded that someone else take over the PR duties for Rotary. I also said no thank you to requests to join committees for the same. I felt the impulse to offer to make costumes and furniture projects for friends and family, but held back on all but one special request from my daughter. And while I really enjoyed the construction on the cabin, I’m super glad it’s done for the year so I can recharge my batteries.
It was all I could do to lie around on my neighbor’s couch and watch football today. I’m just good for nothing. By turning down everything that makes my life interesting, what am I going to do for subject matter here? Sure, in a few days I’ll have more medical stuff to share. I’d better force myself to come up with something interesting between now and then.
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