The first full day without Rabbit has been every bit as bad as I expected it to be. Every time I was alone, like in the bathroom, the tears came back. When mostly-white Harvey walked through my peripheral vision, I saw her. When Jack or Alfred called out from the other room, I heard her voice. I questioned my decision to let her go a thousand times. She would have only lived a few more days, mostly alone in an oxygen tent, scared. I had to be there for her. I owed her that, at the very least. But, god, is it hard to be without her now.
Some of the chemo symptoms have already started. I don't know what specific details are responsible for the change. Heartburn set in last night, and kept me awake from the wee hours until dawn. It's stayed with me most of today. Antacids aren't doing me much good. A headache is threatening. I'm retaining a bunch of water from the steroids, but I suspect a lot of that will start going away tomorrow. I made myself eat a few small things today, but I kept it light. My daughter made a bunch of things for later, and everything for me is in the freezer. If I eat at all tomorrow, it will be something I can tolerate coming back up by dark tomorrow night.
My daughter left this evening to go home. I really loved having her here. The beginning of the week was wonderful, and without her support, I'm not sure I could have made it through the disaster that was Friday. It was also fun having Sheba here. She really started having fun with the other dogs and cats, who all had accepted her by the end of the visit (although she wasn't willing to share the bed with Athena, which isn't surprising). I hope when my medical journey is over, I can go back out to California to visit them.
My mother sent me a photo this afternoon. She found a feather outside on her property that looked like it was a message from Rabbit. You'll understand when you see it, especially if I dig up a good picture of her face to go with it.
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