Have a Seat

Inspirational song: The Room Where It Happens (Hamilton)

To no one's surprise, I am a self-confessed political news junkie. I usually have a steady stream of it as the soundtrack to my life, playing on the TV (blaring from a different room than the one I'm occupying), or streaming on a device, or playing on satellite radio in the car. If I'm someplace without sound, I compulsively peek at Twitter, unless there is an extreme penalty for having my phone out. I even left the TV on cable news overnight many, many times over the last few years, when my sleep cycle was messed up for various medical issues. The last straw for me to give up DirecTV was when I realized that for close to two years, I had been only watching one or two channels, one a cable news network I could get cheaper elsewhere and the other local for news I can get for free over an antenna.

So when I tell you I actively hid from news today, you know it was a particularly annoying news day. I've just had it with grandstanding, and I'm not paying attention. These people need to sit their butts down and sort their crap out without me. Hanging on every breathless syllable from pundits and anchors will not change what is happening behind closed doors to work out budgets, debts, and infrastructure deals. I'm sick of people pretending they know where this ends. I needed a break from it anyway. I'm sure someone will tell me when it is safe to look back.

Things ought to improve from here for me personally. I had my fourth treatment this morning, and got my antibiotics picked up at noon. Saoirse went with me to the pharmacy like a good service dog. We came home, and she napped with me in the cold bedroom. As I write, I am now three pills into a twenty-eight pill course, and I'm seeing just enough change to have a glimmer of hope. The fatigue is building, though. I had no energy to make dinner, even though I had a two-hour nap. I'm sure it was a combination of conditions that made me tired so quickly. Thankfully the Mr was on board when I said that I wanted cheese enchiladas for dinner, and I wasn't about to stand up and cook. I won't have the oomph to go out to dinner every night during this treatment, but it is nice to have easy options for some of it.

Pumpkinhead

Inspirational song: All Night Long (Lionel Ritchie)

Halfway through each week during treatment, I check in with the radiation oncologist to make sure nothing is amiss. I showed her how the skin is already turning pink, and reported how I periodically have stingy uncomfortable feelings. She didn't think it was a sunburn, but possibly the beginning of cellulitis. I also discussed the potential UTI that has been making me miserable since the weekend, and admitted I didn't have the mental energy to make a new appointment with the GP. We spent a fair amount of time (well, I would say "unfair") hunting down an antibiotic that I'm not allergic to, that works for both things. Even with all that, I have to drop one of my regular medications for a week, to avoid an interaction. Ugh. Why can't this be easy?

I stopped in to play with the baby on the way home. I stayed there until I got tired and needed to go rest. Listening to that little girl giggle is addictive. As it was Wednesday night, we all met up again next door, to play games and be obnoxious. I wasn't up for the elaborate game, but I had a great time snuggling the baby, until she had to leave for toddler bedtime.

For the record, one of the morning pictures is of Valerie watching the Lonely Goatherd on YouTube. She really likes it. So far this pleases us who idolize Julie Andrews.

Take Two

Inspirational song: Amarillo By Morning (George Strait)

First, a correction: I was wrong about the positioning of the machine. First zap does not come from straight above me. As I'm looking up, it's coming at me from my 10 o'clock. The second zap comes kind of from my 4 o'clock. And then it's done. I spent more time sitting in the waiting area, getting hypnotized by staring at the dot pattern on the gown (because my phone was in the locker with my purse), than I did on the table in the radiation room.

After all of two doses, I'm still handling it well. I get a little stinging sensation randomly through the day, and the breast is starting to turn pink. Energy levels were better today. After the treatment, I drove through the car wash and vacuumed the dog hair out of the upholstery, then went to pick up my friend, and we went to Rotary together. Afterwards, we went to Sally Beauty for manicure stuff (I tried dip nails--I'll write about that some other time) and Michael's where we failed to get the very specific Halloween costume stuff we needed. The girls came over in the afternoon, so I could hear the new syllables Valerie is working on. Other than feeling oddly on edge, things seem like they are on track.

I chatted with one of the retired doctors at Rotary, about the teams of medical professionals I have at my disposal. I said how fortunate I was to have them, and he said if he is ever diagnosed with cancer, he would feel thoroughly confident staying right here in town for any treatment. I am a five minute drive from people I can and do trust with my health and life. Never think I take that for granted.

One of Sixteen

Inspirational song: Blister in the Sun (Violent Femmes)

One down, fifteen to go. Not bad so far. It was much faster than the last time I had radiation, which surprised me. When I reflect on it, it makes sense. To hit a tiny, targeted area just outside of where the first tumor was, they had to move both me and the machine multiple times, to zap in exactly the right spot. This round, the table never moves, other than raising me up to shoulder-height to start off, and the machine that emits the beam goes once from straight above, and once from the side, kind of aimed up at the lymph node part of the scar. That's it. It takes longer to get in and out of the gown than it does to get the treatment. 

When they were helping me off the table, I asked what I forgot last week: Am I able to put on Aquaphor right after my shower, or do I need to wait until after treatment, when I get home. She said, oh, please wait. It's like baby oil in the sun. Wow, there is an evocative description. My BFFs and I laid out in the sun in high school, slathered in baby oil, or maybe Coppertone SPF 2, just because it smelled good. I will comply. I will wait to grease up when I'm home.

I am trying to decide whether I'm already feeling the effects. I definitely had some sensitivity and fatigue, but I've had that off and on since the surgery anyway. It seemed stronger than it ought to have been, but I'll give it more than a single day before I draw any conclusions. Even with a solid chair nap, I feel like I can sleep tonight just fine.

Rest Up

Inspirational song: The Man Who Sold the World (David Bowie)

The song tonight has turned into an instant earworm for me. The Mr wandered off in the direction of bed, while I stayed in the living room. From a distance, I heard his phone play a video that I believe was from the Nirvana unplugged show. I didn't pay close attention, or so I thought. Later, in silence (or rather, in the ring of my tinnitus and the soft rumble of a passing train a few blocks away), I deliberated what should be my song, and why is Man Who Sold the World stuck in my head? I'm just proud of myself for figuring out why. 

I felt much better today versus yesterday. It's all relative, for sure. I didn't run marathons or anything crazy. But I cleaned house, dyed my roots to match the rest of my red hair, and sang along with Hamilton while I made mango chicken for dinner. This is much better than having a stomachache and not having energy to shower.

Radiation starts in the morning. It shouldn't be too bad for the first week, but I expect to be sleeping a lot by next weekend. Maybe my best course of action is to go now and practice. I'm sure Saoirse would appreciate that.

Go Without Me

Inspirational song: Time Out of Mind (Steely Dan)

Thank goodness no one really needed a piece of me this weekend. I was overdue for a plain old, run of the mill crummy day. I'm not sad or angry or anything. I just have a blah tummy and no energy. I didn't need to leave the house, nor did I want to. I stayed in a bathrobe all day. I'm realizing at bedtime that I failed even to brush my teeth yet. (I'll get on that momentarily.)

The boys went to the mountain this morning. I've received some beautiful fall color photos, and some videos of same. Three or four of the videos are of the truck bouncing down the dirt tracks in the high country. It made my surgery site hurt just to watch it. So glad I didn't try to make it this weekend, even if it means I miss peak color.

The kids are watching their friend's cat again, the one who lives a block up the street from me. I got to snuggle my baby and feed her pretzels. She knows where the bubble wands are stored, and she got into them right away. Girl knows what she likes. I appreciate that.

Ready

Inspirational song: Script for a Jester's Tear (Marillion)

So here I am once more. On Monday I'm gonna party like it's 2019. September 2019, even. They had me come in to make sure my position on the actual radiation table matches perfectly with how I lay on the CT scan table last week. It ought to go pretty fast, both the entire run of 16 doses, and each individual daily dose. They run a tight ship in 15-minute appointments, so I have to be punctual. I forgot to ask about whether I can use my scar ointments first thing in the morning, or do I wait until I get home to slather Aquaphor all over myself. 

I don't have any cute new baby pictures for today. I didn't do a whole lot of value. I went to the grocery store for veggies for stew, and walked out of there without the carrots that were my primary target. My brain is just not fully engaged. I did notice a disturbing trend on my way to the store. At the corner of the parking lot, there is an urgent care center that has had a drive-through Covid testing setup since the beginning of this pandemic. For a year, I haven't seen a car in that lot, not once. Last week there were two or three when I went grocery shopping. Today there were nearly a dozen in line, and an equal amount parked, waiting for results. Not a good sign.

Ride a Painted Pony

Inspirational song: The Carousel Waltz (Carousel)

For Christmas 2018, my daughter gave me a gift card to a lovely day spa we had discovered the year before. I had intended on using the card for pedicures, or maybe a mani-pedi. A month later, I was working up the nerve to call the doc to investigate the lump I had just found in my breast. Spa treatments went on the back burner. I wished for a pedicure during chemo, but assumed it would be too dangerous to risk an infection from a nicked cuticle, when I was severely neutropenic. I sort of forgot about it for a while, and as I was ready to think about getting out for pampering again, the pandemic forced us all inside again. I worried all last year that this spa wouldn't survive the economic crisis, but lo and behold, it was still there when we decided to schedule pedicures for this morning. Not only that, it was remodeled and expanded. Heck yeah. What a great morning that was.

I was invited to go to the mountains with the kids after, but I declined, knowing what all I had to do today. I wish I could have gone. Boy, did it look like fun. They looked at the changing aspens, had a nice meal, and best of all, took Val for her first ride on a carousel in Nederland. I received video of her reaction when it first started up. She was enchanted. I don't know how many of her experiences are imprinting hard enough for her to remember as she grows older, but I really hope this is one that stays with her forever.

Oh No

Inspirational song: Born For Adventure (Styx)

The equinox is upon us! Autumn is here! Let us all breathe a sigh of relief. It is now soup weather. Light jacket weather. Rib knit tops in olive and plum and mustard tones. Sunset before 7 pm. Fall menu at coffee shops. This is my time of year.

I played with the baby this morning, while mommy was at work and daddy tried to claw back out of a sleep deficit. We watched Tangled and played with blocks, books, and grandma's iPad. Her personality is blossoming as her brain is connecting her whole neural network at once. That baby is s-m-a-r-t smart. I have so much fun watching her grow and learn. When mommy got off work at noon, we went downtown and ate sandwiches at the gluten-free bakery. I've decided I like the outdoor seating, taking over parking places outside of the restaurants along Main. I hope it stays, even after the pandemic, whenever that will be.

After lunch, I went down and got the okay from the plastic surgeon to move on to radiation. I called the cancer clinic and gave them the news, but I'm not scheduled yet. I expect them to jump on it, though. I'll be surprised if I haven't started by Monday.

Tonight was our game night, the first time we were all present and able to play our role-playing campaign (Pathfinder) in weeks. One of our close friends who plays in the other campaigns decided to join this one, and his character showed up tonight. It was epic, in nerdy game terms. We were in the middle of a boss fight, and I in particular was struggling, when a crackling electric beam appeared, and a synthetic humanoid walked out of it. He was shimmering, fit into the "uncanny valley" of being human-like but too close to be comfortable, and if our characters had ever seen Terminator 2, we would have known what he was. He introduced himself, and said his "designation is zero H dash N zero." His name is literally 0H-N0. We literally scream-laughed. For the rest of the night, at random moments, different players would suddenly chuckle and under our breath, say "oh no." This is going to get absurd quickly. I can't wait.

How About Now

Inspirational song: Ready to Run (The Chicks)

The radiation oncology center called again today. They said we want to get you started, can you come in for pictures tomorrow? They aren't kidding around about this stuff. They got their insurance approval, and it is burning a hole in their pockets. I repeated what I had told them on Friday, that I see the surgeon who controls the timeline tomorrow, and until he says yes, there is no point making exact measurements. As antsy as they are, it is within the realm of possibility that if I call late tomorrow and say I'm cleared, they'll ask me in for pictures the next day, and start zapping by Friday. 

I think everyone in town is feeling like I am this week. We are thrilled to pieces for the cooler weather, but with it has come all of the fall allergies. The insides of my head have turned into soup, and it is draining out at inopportune moments. I'm trying not to sneeze around people, but boy, howdy, is that difficult. I think I will take a benadryl and cave in to the demands of this very large puppy who is doing laps around my chair, begging to go to bed. Tomorrow ought to be a bigger news release.

Fighting Boredom

Inspirational song: Drive She Said (Stan Ridgway)

The physical therapist said she was bored. It was the greatest compliment. It was a huge achievement. I was so flattered! She meant it to mean that I am healing quickly and well, and there was very little for her to do. And for a zebra like me to be boring medically, well, that is a huge win.

Doggie has been obviously bored as well. I took her for a drive. We went to pick up a prescription, so the ladies at the pharmacy could fawn all over her. Then we drove out into the country, and got a little lost on unfamiliar roads, even with the navigation screen up in the car. Finally, we worked our way all the way back to Petsmart, where we walked all through the food section, to see whether we could find something that sits better in her stomach than the puppy food that seems to have been bothering her for a while. 

She has been zonked out on the floor since we got home. I think I wore her out. Good!

Spicy

Inspirational song: The Angels Want to Wear My Red Shoes (Elvis Costello)

The countdown has begun. We are inside of 72 hours before the official calendar start of autumn. I wasn't about to wait for the equinox to get a head start on soup season. Specifically, it is green chile time! I had to go out and buy tomatillos, after discovering that mine in the garden were smaller than marbles this year. But I roasted peppers at home, and I used smoked pork loin for extra flavor. The house still smells amazing. I might have gotten it a little hot for most of us (me, Mr S-P, and A next door), but at least one person (T) thought it was just right. Maybe three jalapeños for four people was a little much.

Other than the trip out for tomatillos and tortillas, I stayed close to home. The kids came by in the evening, and our toddler has discovered tantrums. We tried to offer her a taste of the cream cheese frosting that went on a raisin spice cake, but we took away her bubble wand to do it. That did not go over well. Mom and dad tried to calmly tell her it wasn't working for her, while I kept my face averted in the kitchen so she couldn't see me giggling. I wasn't laughing at her emotional overload. I was remembering how many of those I dealt with when the girls were little, and after a few decades, I can finally look back and smile. They were exhausting. But they are part of toddlerhood. She will eventually work her way to handling sudden change and disappointment. Just not yet.

While we were having dinner next door, and struggling through another disappointing football game (not a good sports weekend for me), my puppy was having a tantrum of her own. I left her inside so she wouldn't bark the neighborhood down, but that made her madder apparently. She found one of my slip-on sneakers and ate the insole out of it. I suppose it's fair that she should finally get one of mine, as the first six or seven she ate were all the Mr's. I'm just lucky that she chose a cheap Walmart sneaker. Problem was, I really liked them, and wore them all the time. Guess I need to replace them.

Rural Beauty

Inspirational song: Drift Away (Dobie Gray)

Ah, yes. These are the Buffaloes I have come to know over the last twenty years. I watched on PAC-12 Network, as I had been so pleased to acquire it recently. I turned the game off early in the fourth quarter. And that is the last we shall speak of it.

After a year without them, Rotary socials started up again this summer. I couldn't go to the last one, because it was the day after my surgery. Today I joined the group, albeit a little late because of that thing I tried to watch on TV. One of our Rotarians has a property outside of town with three lakes on it, the largest of which he invites people to use for boating, fishing, and picnicking. The two smaller lakes are family only. We had a potluck and fish fry out there, and at least a couple dozen people brought their families out for some end-of-summer fun. I skipped eating, to be on the safe side, but the Mr had fish and sides, which I encouraged. I don't let anyone bring fish in the house, because I find the smell so off-putting. I was glad to provide an opportunity for him to have it.

The party was actually winding down by the time we arrived, but there was still enough going on that we stayed and chatted for about an hour with friends. The lake is absolutely gorgeous, and the Mr asked the owner whether he might bring the Civil Air Patrol cadets out for a training exercise on the grounds. Apparently boy scout troops often use the place too, so it looks promising. If they get it scheduled, it's close enough I might pop in, to see the lake again.

Good Look

Inspirational song: Against All Odds (Take a Look At Me Now) (Phil Collins)

I went back in to the radiation oncology center this morning. They needed to map me out, as it were, to make the detailed plan of where and how much to irradiate. It was a quick visit. I just had to lie on the CT table for a few minutes, while the technician looked my chest over, took some photographs ("Don't worry, your face won't be in these," she said, as if that should be my concern), applied marker tape to the scars, and then ran me through a super fast CT scan. They will work on the math from here, while I wait for the surgeon to green light the process. They seemed comfortable with my timeline. I am still assuming it will start a week from Monday, and run until the week after my birthday. (Hey, if anyone talks to my local kids, break it to them gently that this year I'm unlikely to want to cook my own birthday dinner or cake...)

It is really fun on days when the girls are at home, because they are so close to my route back from the hospital that it barely counts as a detour. I dropped in again this morning, for a heavy helping of grandma hugs. Baby was a spider today, climbing all over everything. When I arrived, she was having fun watching a recorded run-through of Minecraft. I played her mommy's favorite Elvis Costello song from when she was two, and then we played the Steve Winwood song Valerie. She kind of enjoyed both of those. We tried the original Frozen movie (she had only seen the second one), and she got bored quickly. I was just sure that every single kid under age seven was automatically glued to Frozen. Maybe she needs a little more maturity to her to catch that bug. Give it time.

Yet to Watch

Inspirational song: The Lonely Goatherd (Sound of Music)

This evening in the family group chat, we discovered an important omission, thanks to a comment by my older daughter. Valerie has not yet seen the Sound of Music. Granted, she is just barely getting the focus necessary to pay attention to single song music videos, but I think this means she is ready for a little of the big stuff. I mean, does it get better than Julie Andrews? Not for me and my girls. Maybe I will play a song or two on Spotify and test her reaction next time I see her.

I had two more doctor visits today. First was the radiation oncologist, same one as two years ago. She says we will do sixteen doses, once a day, for just over three weeks (weekends off). She said she would like to start between the 20th and 27th of this month, so it's coming soon. They have me coming in tomorrow to do the measurements, so they know how to set up the table, and can make the plan for where to irradiate. She asked if anything had changed since she saw me last, and I told her about the diaphragm pushing up on the lung on that side, in case that changes how they do things. She said if it is pushing the liver up, it might get a touch of radiation on the edge of it, which could make me a little nauseous. She promised we could treat that, if needed.

From that visit, I went out to the plastic surgeon's office in Boulder. I told them the proposed schedule from oncology, knowing it's the surgeon's call when it starts. I only saw the nurse today, but next Wednesday I will see him to get the call whether radiation can proceed. Good news from today, I have been cleared to lie on my side and sleep with the bed flat. Hooray! I'm gonna curl up in a tight fetal position tonight, and have the best sleep in a month.

I have a few Valerie pictures to share. Yesterday I stopped in on my way back from physical therapy. As I was leaving, her mommy put her in the car next to me. She just looked around with the cutest expression that said "huh, I've never been up here before." They came by on a walk again tonight. She was not still for a single moment. She found the bubble wand at the end of the evening, and both grandpa and I blew bubbles that she and Harvey were thrilled by. Not sure whether all the fun at her grandparents' house wore her out before bed, or just got her spun up good and tight.