As I sat on one of the iron chairs on the front porch, admiring the hanging basket I had just assembled, a thought occurred to me. I had a name for this feeling that I've been having since I got back out in the garden, and I was staring at the proof of it. It's hope. The flowers I keep buying and arranging are the physical manifestation of hope. It all comes from feeling better, and having a reason to believe that my trajectory from here is finally going to be towards increasing energy and ability. I am not about to declare myself magically cured of all my problems, but I sure do think I'm getting a handle on them again.
Once in a while, I've faced some super scary bills, either shocking ones that come out of left field, or planned ones that still hurt to think about, that suddenly are revealed to be paper tigers. I'm thinking specifically of medical bills that got worked out with insurance or written off by the clinic that sent them. Without getting too specific, we had a big car-related bill I expected to be agonizing, like between 800 and 1200 dollars rough. It turned out to be nothing. As in, we didn't owe a cent. I was in shock, in a good way. I was stressed over it for weeks, and I didn't know what to do with myself. Now, if those last two bills from the March surgery would just give me a hint whether I owe or not, I'd be able to plan again with my finances.
You will not be surprised to learn that having expected to spent around a thousand dollars, when we went by the plant nursery on the way home with money in our pockets left over, all self-control was off. Neither of us tried to guilt the other into putting plants back. We filled a cart--technically two of them. We grabbed a bunch of perennials from the outside garden, left that cart with the employee who tallied them and gave us a sheet to take to the cashier, and then we filled up another inside with annuals and a couple pieces of equipment. (For real, I had gone there for just a watering can so I had something to mix up Miracle-Gro in.) But I found so many colors of blooms that spoke to my soul and demanded to come home with me. I just can't find it in me to be upset. Instead I look in amazement at the evidence of my hope.
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